How to Diffuse ADHD Tantrums Without Losing Your Cool

How to Diffuse ADHD Tantrums Without Losing Your Cool

Want to know how to diffuse ADHD tantrums without losing your cool? I’m going to give you some proven tips in this post!

You can see it coming. The fists clench, the eyes narrow, the shoulders are rising up to the level of the ears….a tantrum is about to start. EVERYONE TAKE COVER!

It doesn’t matter what caused it, once it starts there is no way to stop it. If you try to intervene, it just ends up with both of you screaming and crying. So, everyone better just hold on to something until it’s over, right?

Not necessarily.

There are strategies to diffuse ADHD tantrums without losing your cool in the process.

First, you need to recognize what a tantrum is. Now, I don’t mean what specific thing just happened to set it off. I mean, why is it a tantrum?

For children, behavior is a form of communication. It’s a way of letting you know what they are feeling and to get their needs met. In the case of a tantrum, they’re telling you that everything is not okay with them. Either they want something or want to avoid something.

In order to diffuse ADHD tantrums, you need to figure out what it is they are trying to tell you.

“Oh, sure. That’s easy. Between the screaming, kicking and throwing things, I’ll just ask what it is that they need. Problem solved (she said sarcastically).”

Obviously, not that simple...there is more.

You can diffuse an ADHD tantrum by using these steps:

1. Acknowledge that your child is upset.

• Keep your voice calm and soothing (not patronizing).

• Speak slowly.

• Say, “ You seem angry (or upset). Would you like to tell me about it?”

• They might say no. If they are still really worked up, they may not be able to talk about it right away. Tell them that you are ready to listen when they are calm and ready to talk about it.

• Then wait.

2. Get down to their level.

• If your child is on the floor, sit on the floor.

• If they are standing, sit on a chair or squat down to their level.

• The idea is not to appear towering over them in an aggressive stance.

3. Let them tell you why they are angry or upset. LISTEN TO THEM!

• The behavior was a means of communication, now let them communicate in a more appropriate way. Let them talk.

• Don’t interrupt.

• Don’t contradict or tell them they are wrong or what they should have done (yet).

• I know this might feel awkward, but by doing this, you are teaching them an appropriate way to communicate their feelings.

4. Ask questions to clarify. Make sure you understand and that THEY know you understand.

• Repeat back to them what they have told you and ask if you got it right.

• Say, “You feel angry because (you weren’t allowed to get a candy at the store). Is that right?”

5. Affirm that you see why they are upset.

• Say, “ I can see why you would feel angry / upset about that.” - You are not excusing the behavior. You are just acknowledging how your child got to this point.

6. Ask questions that lead your child to consider other points of view .

• Ask, “Why do you think (I wouldn’t let you get a candy at the store)?”

• If they cannot reason this way, say “Do you think maybe (I said no to the candy) for another reason? Do you think maybe (I wanted to make sure your body gets the good food it needs so you can be strong and healthy )?”

7. Once your child recognizes that there may have been a reason for the trigger, you can start to help them reason through more appropriate ways to respond in place of the tantrum.

• If your child reached a full tantrum state, say, “When you were angry / upset and you were (yelling and kicking things), you were trying to show me how you felt. How did you feel when you were doing those things?”

• Ask them to consider which way was easier. Say, “When do you think it was easier, when there was yelling or when we talked together in a more calm way?”

• Brainstorm some ways that they could have shared their feelings without the tantrum.

• If your child is old enough, do some role play to act out a better response.

8. Tell your child you prefer to discuss it calmly.

• Affirm that you care about their feelings and that you want them to feel safe telling you when they are upset.

9. Talk about what the Bible says about how we should speak to each other.

• It is really tempting to throw in Ephesians 6:1(Children obey your parents..) right here, but this isn’t the best time. Save that for a time when you are NOT moments past a tantrum.

• Instead, focus on how God asks us to speak to each other as members of His family. Focus on verses like Ephesians 4:2, 29, 32 and Galatians 5:22-26

• Ephesians 4:2 With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,

• Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

• Ephesians 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

• Galatians 5:22-26 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

10. Pray together for forgiveness.

• If you lost your temper in the process, ask forgiveness. Model for your child how to ask God for forgiveness and how to ask Him for help with that sin.

• If your child is very young, have them repeat after you as an example of how to ask for forgiveness.

• End your time with a hug. Physical contact is important. Reassure your child that you love them still.

It will become easier to diffuse ADHD tantrums each time if you follow the same pattern.

Remember, it takes several (often numerous) tries for the ADHD brain to reprogram and learn a new behavior.

Practice. Be patient. Remember that God is patient with each of us when we fall into the same patterns of sin over and over again. It will get easier, but it will take time.

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