When Kids Refuse to Do Homework
- Beth Skaret
- Apr 12, 2019
- 10 min read
Updated: 51 minutes ago
I would rather pour lemon juice on a hand covered in paper cuts than battle with a child that is refusing to do homework (or work in general). It sucks.
I mean REALLY sucks.
It reminds me of that passage in the Bible (Matthew 13:49-50) where it describes what it will be like for the condemned thrown into the lake of fire for all eternity:
"49 This is how it will be at the end of the age. The angels will come and separate the wicked from the righteous 50 and throw them into the blazing furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."
Except that I would have to add in “screaming, throwing of pencils, tearing of paper, threats, and bribery.”
Oh, how miserable homework can be.
So, what are you supposed to do?
How are you supposed to be a responsible parent and help your kid to be a successful (or at least passing) student when doing homework ends in a battle to the death where all parties end up figuratively bleeding to death from the experience?
Let’s talk about that.
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When Kids Refuse to Do Homework, they are communicating…..something.
Your job is to figure out what that something is.
I’ll give you a head start. It’s probably because of one of these 3 things:
Inability to do the work
Fear of failure
Lack of internal motivation
Refusal to Do Homework : Inability to Do the Work
There are a few reasons why a kid might not be able to do the work.
Some obvious ones are:
They don’t have the assignment (lost it, didn’t write it down, left the book at school).
They don’t understand the assignment (directions were insufficient, was absent when it was gone over in class, wasn’t paying attention).
It is beyond their ability (an assignment that is outside of their academic ability - as in the case of modified curriculum as per an IEP).
What you can do when there is an inability to do the work:
If your kid is frequently missing assignments, you can offer to help them get organized or request that the teacher (or special ed teacher if applicable) help them develop a system to get organized with homework.
I had to do this with my own adhder from 4th grade through 10th grade. We tried a number of options like
daily planners,
daily email from the teacher with assignments,
having an extra copy of the textbooks at home,
having extended time to get the assignments in (since they were often forgotten in her desk).
One thing I have LOVED as a teacher is the Google Classroom app. I post my student’s assignments on the classroom page where students and parents can see what is due and when. I am also able to post pdf copies of handouts and worksheets that can be printed off when a student forgets or loses work (also handy for paper reduction at work).
If your kid does not understand the assignment, he might refuse to complete it as well.
You can offer to
read the directions aloud (sometimes hearing the directions aloud helps),
offer a rephrasing of the directions,
put the directions in a context that is more familiar (sometimes vague directions are hard to understand, but context gives meaning). Often it is useful to go back to the textbook example (that they probably didn’t bother to read).
Help them find a classmate that has figured it out and can explain it in “kid speak.” It’s amazing - you can explain something in what feels like crystal clear terms to you, but then a kid comes along and says it differently and all the lights go on.
If your child has missed the class where the content was taught, it is appropriate to contact the teacher and request that they find time to go over it with your child after they have made an attempt to learn it independently.
If the assignment is beyond your kid’s academic ability, you need to seek out some help.
If your child does NOT have an IEP, but you have concerns about his ability to keep up in class, you can request an evaluation to be done.
This will not lock you into having special ed services, it just lets you know if your kid will qualify.
To find out how to get this started read this post.
If your child has an IEP that calls for modification (changing the content) of the curriculum to meet their academic needs, you need to check to see if the assignment is falling within those guidelines.
For example:
If the IEP says that your student will be graded on IEP goals that include reading material that is at his / her ability level, but the book assigned is well above that level, the assignment is not within the IEP guidelines.
If the assignment does fall within the guidelines, but your kid is not able to do it even with supports, it might be time to call another IEP meeting and reevaluate the terms.
If the assignment does NOT fall within the guidelines, you need to point this out to the teacher so that appropriate changes can be made.
(side bar)
I know many people believe that the teacher should KNOW what is in the IEP and should be held to the fire with accountability……(dramatic pause)
Let me remind you of this:
Teachers have many students (especially middle and high school teachers), all with unique needs (not all academic), and sometimes they miss something.
Have a little grace.
Keep the communication positive and maintain those relationships.
For tips on how to talk to teachers about hard things, read this post.
Ok, side bar over.
Refusal to Do Homework: Fear of Failure
I see this in my kids (all three of them) at least once a week. They start their homework, run into a problem or something that requires them to put a little extra effort or take a risk and they FREAK OUT.
“It’s too hard!”
“I don’t get it!”
“This is stupid (or impossible)!”
“When someone experiences a stressful event, the amygdala, an area of the brain that contributes to emotional processing, sends a distress signal to the hypothalamus,” Harvard Health Publications of Harvard Medical School explains. “This area of the brain functions like a command center, communicating with the rest of the body through the nervous system so that the person has the energy to fight or flee.”
- Rebecca Bernstein (2016, Health & Human Services)
After you get them to calm down, you can usually help them determine the source of the problem and talk them through it or help them figure out where they can go for help.
Here’s the thing.
Kids will pick up on your stress (over their work).
I’ve said this before, I’m a bit of a perfectionist. I like things to be done well.
My kids know this, so they sometimes put extra pressure on themselves to do better than their best.
That is on ME.
Since figuring that out, I’ve tried to keep my issues out of their performances and just praise the progress and what they do well.
I let them know that I love them whether they succeed or fail.
I encourage them to work at something until they are satisfied with the outcome.
I offer help when they ask ( don’t interject your opinion) and give feedback that is positive and helpful.
If I see a glaring problem with their work, I try to point it out as a question or suggestion.
ie) “I’m not sure I understand this sentence. Would you help me with this?”
Then they re-read their work and catch the error.
If the source of the pressure to not fail is coming from outside the home (teacher or peers), that may need to be brought to the attention of the teacher.
Kids need to feel safe in order to try new things.
They need to know that they will be loved unconditionally.
They need to be taught that failure is not taboo, it’s how we learn. It’s okay to fail, as long as we learn from our mistakes and grow from them.
Of course, we all love our kids without condition….but do they know that? Do we tell them that explicitly?
If you’re not sure, try asking your child, “What do you think would happen if you got a bad grade on your assignment or test?”
See what they say. If the first thing they say is, “You’d get mad.” That’s something to think about.
Refusal to Do Homework: Lack of Internal Motivation.
You can read any number of articles, blog posts (even one of mine), and research reports that will tell you how to motivate a child to do something.
And they EVEN WORK…. For a while…..with some things…..until they stop.
These are external motivations (incentives) that are meant to be a scaffold to help kids learn that they can be successful when they do what they are asked.
The idea behind these kind of incentives is that a child will work for the reward (incentive, prizes, goodie) and then start to associate the positive feeling they get from the reward with the completion of the work.
We’re trying to use the rewards until the kids get to like the dopamine effect they get from internal satisfaction (pride in work, work ethic, etc).
Many times this strategy works.
But sometimes it doesn’t.
Sometimes, no matter what you try, you just can’t get a kid to care about their work (homework or school work or anything that isn’t what they deem “fun.”).
You can use rewards, punishments, trying to reason with them….nothing phases them.
They refuse to do the work and they don’t care.
Bottom line - and I know you do not want to hear this - you cannot make someone else care about something.
However, that doesn’t mean the situation is hopeless.
You are still in a position to influence your child’s values and priorities. You are also still responsible to set boundaries for them.
Set clear (realistic - think IEP/ 504) expectations for them around their homework or class work:
Work must be completed before you can do leisurely activities (I call this “have tos before want tos”).
Child is responsible to finish any missing assignments.
Child is responsible to ask for help when needed, but must do the actual work.
Have pre-determined and clearly communicated consequences:
Zeros, missing assignments, failing grades* = no (insert valuable privilege) - smartphone, ipad, tv, use of car, extracurricular activity...depends on what your child values.
*be certain that your child’s academic expectations are realistic for their ability.
Don’t try to shield them from natural consequences:
If they get a zero, don’t try to negotiate a way out of it with the teacher.
If they fail a class, let them retake it next semester, year, or in summer school.
Do not DO the work for them.
Basically...DO NOT POST BAIL.
As a semi-perfectionist….I HATE THIS STRATEGY.
HATE it with the fire of a thousand suns.
But I also know that learning happens in the struggle, in the failure, in the overcoming. It doesn’t happen when the answer (work, effort, fight) is done for you.
So, I do it anyway.
Up until 10th grade, I would log into my kids online account for school and check her grades twice a week. I’d look for any missing assignments and then point them out to her and lock her in her room until they were done and handed in.
I stopped in 10th grade because I realized that as long as I was staying on top of her grades and assignments, she didn’t feel a need to do it. She WOULDN’T do it.
Once I stopped and handed that responsibility over to her….it went downhill for a while.
Consequences were still in place: missing assignments = no life. Eventually, she started to be more proactive to get things handled herself.
She still messes up sometimes, but now she knows how to take care of it herself without me having to be on her case about it.
But what if your kid has no internal motivation, doesn’t care about the consequences and is failing?
It’s too hard to watch them fail!
You don’t want them to drop out of school.
You don’t want people to think you’re a bad parent who can’t raise their kid right.
…..wait right there….read those sentences again.
What is the source of stress here?
Is it about you - how it makes you look and feel?
Or is it about them?
Refusal to Do the Work: A Biblical Example:
Take a minute to read Luke 15:11-22 - The Parable of the Lost Son.
Don’t you think that father had some stress about his son’s choices?
He had taught him right from wrong.
He had modeled Godly priorities.
He helped him as best he could.
...but the son didn’t care about his father’s priorities...he just wanted to do what was “fun.”
So what did the father do?
Did he helicopter parent around him and monitor how his son spent his time or money?
Did he yell at him and lecture him or try to force him to do what was right?
No.
He let him screw up.
He let him fall flat on his face.
He let him humiliate himself publicly.
Then, when his son came to his senses, the father welcomed him back and had a celebration.
Now, I know that isn’t exactly a parallel to what we are talking about, but I think it proves that God gets what you as a parent are going through.
I think it also proves that we cannot MAKE someone care.
It is the spirit’s job to convict the sinner, not yours, not mine.
We are to speak the truth in love.
To train a child up in the way he should go.
To be faithful, patient (long-suffering), and forgiving.
I know you don’t want to let your child fail. I don’t either.
But maybe, we just need to do our part and then get out of the way so the Spirit can do His.
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The best opportunity to succeed at school.
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