Biblical Strategies to Deal with Lying & ADHD.

Tell me if you recognize this situation:

Your child comes down to watch TV after doing homework and you ask,

“Is all your homework done?”

“Yes.” an immediate response. No hesitation.

“What did you have to do?”

“ I forgot.”

“You forgot already? Can I see it?”

“Why don’t you ever believe me?”.......

So, you either go and see for yourself and discover that it is either NOT completed, or nothing was brought home.

Sigh.

“You told me that you finished your homework, but when I looked it was not done. Why did you say it was done?”

“Why did you go through my stuff! You never trust me!”

Child runs into room and slams the door….

You sink to the floor and wonder what you did wrong.

It is not unusual for children with ADHD to lie. There are numerous reasons why they do this:

• To avoid interrupting a preferred activity.

• To avoid a challenging or non-preferred task.

• To avoid a consequence.

• Impulsiveness.

As Christian parents, it is even more difficult to deal with the lying because we hold to a higher standard than the world does. The Bible tells us, “Do not lie.” You know that. Your child knows that. This is not new information.

So, why do kids who know that lying is not a Christ-like behavior, continue to lie? And what do you do about it?

First of all, pray. Stop right then and there...crouched down on the floor where you are about to pull your hair out….and pray.

Ask God to take away your anger and to help you see your child from His perspective. Ask God to give you the right words and the patience to go back up to your child’s bedroom and have the next conversation.

Dealing with conflict and sin as Christians is actually very clearly spelled out in the Bible. You’ve probably heard about this before.

Matthew 18:15-17

15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

It gets a little more detailed when we are talking about a parent dealing with a child, but the basic formula is still the same.

The goal is also the same: Restoring the relationship that has been damaged by sin.

Speak the truth in love.- Ephesians 4:15 (NIV)” Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”

Here is what you do:

1. Go to your child in a private way (not in public and not in front of siblings) and point out what they did that was wrong.

2. Be specific, “You told me that your homework was done, but it was not done. You lied.”

3. Identify what the expectation is and why it exists. “The Bible tells us in Exodus 20 (ten commandments) that we are not supposed to tell lies. God wants us to be truthful like He is.”

4. Indicate how the behavior made you feel. “When you tell me things that are not true, I feel hurt and disrespected. I want to be able to believe you when you tell me things.”

5. Ask your child why he/she felt the need to lie. Be aware, however, that a child with ADHD may have lied impulsively without a reason OR may simply not be able to explain why. Help them reason through what got them to the point of lying.

6. Make a plan with your child to help them avoid lying and/ or a way to help them recover from a lie by telling the truth.

7. Pray with them to ask forgiveness from God and for help with to stop lying.

2. If your child still refuses to acknowledge that he/she lied, use concrete evidence.

• This might be in the form of showing your child the incomplete homework or showing him/her an email from school indicating that work has not been done.

• Then proceed with steps a-f from number.

3. If your child still refuses to acknowledge that they have lied, take it to a family meeting.

• Lying affects the entire family and rattles the ability of the members to trust each other.

• Have a discussion about what it means to trust and how can we know if a person is trustworthy or not.

• Provide opportunities for other family members to share their feelings.

• As a family, establish a clear definition of what lying is and what the consequence for everyone will be. But also provide an out -

• If a person confesses their sin and repents, they can be forgiven. Obviously you won’t let it completely off the hook, but you want there to be a modeling of forgiveness and reconciliation.

• Make sure to point out that this is what Christ does for us.

4. If your child remains unwilling to recognize and confess the lie, provide the consequence set out in step number 3.

• At this point, you have clearly communicated what was done wrong and what the expectation for correcting the behavior is.

• Now you have to do what you said you would do. If it means no screen time for a week….do it. You MUST FOLLOW THROUGH and you MUST BE CONSISTENT.

• Explain again why the child is receiving the consequence.

This is going to take a lot of practice. Going through this process one time is probably not going to solve the problem. The key is to be consistent. Children need stability and consistency, but children with ADHD NEED it EVEN MORE!

God is also here for you in this process. Dealing with behavioral issues in ADHD can be overwhelming and exhausting. You can end up feeling very isolated if you don’t reach out to other members of the Body of Christ for support.

I pray that you have someone in your life that can uphold you in times when you are weary; someone who will pray for you and listen when you need a sympathetic ear.

If you do not have this in your life (or even if you do), I would love to invite you to join our

Jesus me & ADHD Moms Fellowship.

It is a secret Facebook group (as in you can’t search for it and no one but those in the group can see who is in it or what anyone posts) that exists for the sole purpose of providing prayer, support and encouragement among Christian moms of kids with ADHD.