ADHD Parenting Tips: Stop Reacting and Respond Proactively
- Beth Skaret
- Mar 10, 2019
- 7 min read
Updated: Jul 8, 2025
How you parent your adhd child (or any child) has a big impact on how they learn to cope with conflict.
You can be Reactive or Proactive.
One will be impulsive and fueled by emotion. The other will be intentional and driven by guidelines you already have in place for yourself and your child.
Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?
When your child has missed yet another assignment at school and now has an F in a class….and you rant and lecture and threaten to take away something they value.
When your child has lost or broken their glasses for the millionth time by being careless…...and you yell and say you’re never buying them anything again if they can’t take better care of their things.
When your child refuses to do the task you asked them to do 5 times already…..and you yell, threaten or maybe even bribe them to obey.
When your child is rude or disrespectful and refuses to apologize…..and you get upset, demand, threaten, yell, cry, or maybe even spank them.
Now, I know you’ve all been in at least one of these scenarios before… which one has you nodding your head saying, “Yep. I’ve done that.”
In this post we will take a look at the difference between Reactive and Proactive parenting and what works best for kids with ADHD.
In case you are new to the Jesus Me & ADHD blog, here are some other popular posts for you to check out:
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ADHD Parenting Tips: REACTIVE Parenting
Reactive parenting is what happens when an event or action causes you to have feelings that make you uncomfortable. You are motivated to stop the feelings that you don’t like, so you try to eliminate the source of the problem. However, you do not consider why the source is there at all - only how it is affecting you.
For example:
Your child is running around the house and bouncing off the walls. You might feel anxious or irritated. As a result of those feelings you are motivated to stop the source of the problem, so you tell your child to stop it. They continue to run around. You become more agitated and then yell for them to stop.
You REACTED to the feelings you were having as a result of your child’s behavior.
When you parent reactively, you allow what is happening around you (including your child’s behavior) to control your feelings and responses.
This can lead to modeling unhealthy patterns and ultimately teach your child that they do not have the ability to control their behavior.
Afterall, if your responses as the parent are being manipulated by the behaviors of your child, why shouldn’t they be able to react to the triggers in their environment?
Your responses should demonstrate the way Christ teaches us to relate to each other:
Colossians 3: 12-14
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Instead of allowing feelings or outside triggers to control how you respond, take a proactive approach that can be consistent even when you feel angry or agitated.
ADHD Parenting Tip: PROACTIVE Parenting
Proactive parenting is when you plan ahead to avoid triggering situations, you pause and consider why the trigger is present, and have in place a set of guidelines that you can use to navigate a stressful situation.
Using the same example from above:
Your child is running around the house and bouncing off the walls. You start to feel irritated, but pause to reflect on why your child is behaving this way.
You might realize that they have been riding in the car for the past half hour and need to move around for some sensory input.
Having recognized this you might suggest that your child play outside for a few minutes to get some exercise.
Or
If you know ahead of time that your child will be antsy after a long car ride, you might plan a stop at the park or offer to take them for a bike ride when you get home.
By having some guidelines or advanced plans of what you want your child to learn, you can make better choices in the heat of the moment to deal will your child’s negative behaviors.
For example, if you want to teach your child to value compassion and forgiveness, you will be more intentional about modeling those traits when responding to them.
When your child is being disrespectful because they didn’t get to do something they were really looking forward to doing, you could respond two ways:
React -
Child is disrespectful,
Parent’s feelings are triggered,
Parent yells at child and punishes.
(Did not help child process feelings appropriately, did not model compassion or forgiveness).
Child learns that you should yell when you don’t like something.
Proactive -
Child is disrespectful,
Parent’s feelings are triggered but parent wants to teach child to respond appropriately,
Parent asks child about their feelings and why they are acting disrespectfully,
Parent guides child to use respectful words to express feelings,
Parent models compassion and forgiveness.
How is Proactive Better than Reactive for kids with ADHD?
All behavior is really a form of communication. It is how we express how we feel.
As adults, we (usually) learn to curb our negative behaviors and use words to express our needs. Children are still learning to do this and need us to help them process their feelings and behaviors.
Kids with ADHD:
Are typically slower to learn social behaviors and social maturity.
they tend to be highly driven by their feelings and impulses.
they do not typically pause to consider how others are being impacted by a situation - they are very self focused.
For these reasons, it is much more effective to use every opportunity to model and explicitly teach appropriate behavior.
Parenting reactively models the same impulsive, emotionally driven behaviors that kids with ADHD already struggle to overcome.
It seems confusing and impossible to understand when a child is being punished for the same exact behaviors being modeled by their parent or authority figure.
For example:
Adult yells at a child for being too loud.
Adult shames a child for being unkind to another child.
Yelling and shaming are behaviors that are driven by emotion and impulse. They are also selfishly motivated.
There is no pause to be intentional or purposeful in using those strategies.
They are reactionary.
They are also counterproductive to the lessons they are supposed to be teaching.
ADHD Parenting Tip: Proactive Responses HELP ADHD Kids Learn to Cope.
Proactive parenting provides an advantage to both the parent and the child.
Parents:
Are mindful and pause to consider the reasons behaviors are occurring
Are able to think ahead and plan for likely triggers to avoid or quickly redirect negative behaviors.
Are able to choose responses that will align with the lessons they want to teach their children.
Are able to guide their children through dealing with conflict in appropriate ways.
Are able to model correct behavior and explicitly teach how to handle triggers.
Children:
Are given models of correct behavior and impulse control.
Receive explicit instruction in a real context to deal with conflict and emotion.
Are taught to identify their emotions and choose to act outside of their feelings.
Are permitted to make mistakes and learn from them rather than being punished without learning to change their behavior.
ADHD Parenting Tip: How to be PROACTIVE
The whole idea of being proactive is to plan ahead. To know ahead of time how you want to respond to situations and to not be caught off guard and let your emotions drive your behavior.
To be proactive you need to determine
What lessons do you want your child to learn?
How do you want them to cope with feelings?
What situations will likely trigger your child (or you)?
What steps or precautions can you take to avoid those triggers or redirect negative behaviors when they occur?
So, what does that look like in real life?
Let’s say you want your child to learn patience with others (fruit of the spirit, right? ).
How would you teach them to deal with feelings of impatience?
You could teach them to pray for the situation that is making them impatient.
You could teach them to offer to help a situation along instead of complaining about having to wait.
What situations might trigger your child with impatience?
Maybe having to wait for a turn with a toy, waiting for a special day to arrive, or waiting for a reward to be given.
What steps or precautions could you take to avoid the triggers or redirect impatient behaviors?
Let them know in advance exactly (or approximately) how long something will take.
Give them a visual way to see how long it will take (a countdown calendar).
Provide a different activity or project to fill the wait time.
Parenting Proactively does take more effort and thought than being reactive. It also provides much greater benefits and positive life lessons.
Remember, anyone can react. It takes a wise and diligent person to be proactive.
As it says in the book of James 1:19-20:
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
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